Top Chef Season 5 premiere

Stolen/linked from the interwebs

Stolen/linked from the interwebs

WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE

While watching the season premier of Top Chef, season 5, I chatted with a friend online. She was watching it, too. Here’s our live conversation (with irrelevant bits deleted). Apologies in advance if anyone is offended. Please be aware that none of this will probably make sense if you either haven’t seen this episode, or if you’re not watching along with the conversation. This is the first time I’ve attempted doing a sort of live update / live blog, so bear with me. It’s not like anyone actually reads these things anyway [except for the 3 of you out there who I know]. Without further ado:

Me: my prediction: today’s elimination, if there is one, will be a girl
Friend: lol
Me: my other prediction: a girl definitely won’t win this season
Me: and my last prediction, maybe: there won’t be a single female in the last 3
Friend: lol

*Let me interrupt here to explain myself. I am not sexist and I do not mean to sound misogynistic. Girls just really need to step it up in the kitchen, man. It doesn’t even make any sense to me. Girls have more sensitive senses of smell. The olfactory system is a HUGE part of taste. You’d think that girls would have a better grasp about what tastes good and what doesn’t, just based on biological fact. And then there’s the stereotype of women in the kitchen. It really just doesn’t make any sense to me, because women should be KILLING men in the kitchen. Yet, the professional cooking industry is dominated by men, and recent winners of various (especially televised) cooking competitions have mostly been men (Stephenie, from last season, was the first woman to win Top Chef and she deserved it). So, ladies . . . please. . . . step the fuck up.*

Friend: i like him [Eugene]
Me: Me too. Dude, I hope this guy goes far
Me: I wanna be him. A dishwasher.
Friend: he looks Beshy [Jeff]
Me: He looks like a douche
Me: Yeah, he does

*Chef Besh is way too talented. This doppelganger, Jeff, is worse than just a cheap imitation. He’s a disgrace.*

[information about Ariane appears on the screen]
Me: hahaha
Me: like
Friend: nj
Me: i’m not trying to be misogynistic
Me: but man
Friend: Montclair too
Me: yeah
Me: i should go eat there
Me: since i live so close
Me: what’s it called again?
Friend: no idea
Friend: find it online
Me: i’ll catch the replay
Friend: bravotv.com

[info about Patrick appears on the screen]
Me: that dude is gonna fail
Me: recent grad?
Friend: hes still in school
Me: man
Me: that’s even worse

Me: he’s got his head in the clouds

[Richard appears on the screen]
Friend: aw, he loveable gay
Me: did he say queen?
Friend: ❤
Friend: yea
Me: lol
Friend: the queens
Friend: as in gays
Me: gotcha
Me: and yeah
Me: i got that hahaha
Friend: lol

Me: damn
Me: culinary school dude is gonna get eliminated
Friend: vicious
Friend: eh, i dont think so
Friend: they showed him talk
Me: i think so
Me: ooooooooohhhhhhhh [someone cuts his finger]
Friend: u gotta think TV
Me: true
Friend: the non talkers are usually out sooner
Friend: bc they arent deemed interesting
Friend: when they mixed this ep they already knew the outcome
Friend: skinny chick w blonde hair will go home
Me: hahaha
Me: EWWWWWWWWWW [Images of bloody apples show on the screen]
Me: gross
Friend: eww
Friend: what is tom going to say
Friend: fuck
Friend: ew
Me: his old restaurant is mad expensive
Me: gramercy tavern?
Me: like 85 bucks for TWO courses, I hear
Me: damnit
Friend: other girl
Me: the island dude failed [Eugene]
Friend: green headband
Friend: out
Me: geez
Me: brunoise is tough
Friend: ooof
Me: bust out your mandoline!
Friend: that is tiny
Me: yeah
Me: there’s two kinds of brunoise
Me: there’s regular
Me: and fine
Me: fine is like 1/16 of an inch square
Friend: this is like 1/8
Friend: or 3/16
Me: 1/8
Me: 3/16 is waaaaaaaaaaaay too big
Friend: she is gone
Me: whew
Me: island dude finished
Me: dude
Friend: haha
Me: that’s it
Me: listen to me
Me: TOMORROW
Me: i am going out and buying two knives
Me: a chef’s knife and a paring knife
Me: and i’m PRACTICING
Friend: lol
Me: i’m gonna buy a huge bag of carrots
Me: and i’m gonna practice
Me: she’s so effing southern [Lauren. She’s actually from Cincinnati, Ohio]
Me: she might get by just on charm
Friend: red tank
Me: yeah

[An image of a Shun 10” chefs knife shows on the screen]
Me: nice
Me: shun knife
Me: that’s what i wanted
Me: this salad is not creative at all [Lauren’s salad]
Me: thoroughly weak
Me: i missed that last one [Patrick’s]
Me: scallops, if they tasted good, will win [Leah’s dish, I think]
Me: nice
Friend: lol

[The judges pick the two possible losers]
Me: that leaves salads
Friend: aw
Friend: cul school is so sad
Me: yup
Friend: of course they have to break this up
Me: yup

[Commercial break]

Me: PATRICK
Me: GO
Me: FREAKING
Me: HOME
Friend: theyre def gonna eliminate another person later too
Me: yeah
Friend: crazy
Friend: 17 [people] is high tho
Me: DAMNIT
Me: i missed his dish again [Patrick’s]

[Lauren gets eliminated]
Friend: i told u
Friend: cul school aint leavin
Me: i called it tho, didn’t i?
Me: salad was too plain
Friend: he talked to much
Me: i called a lot of shit hahaha
Me: i can’t say i called anything
Me: dude i should blog about top chef
Friend: go for it
Friend: but u gotta post it tonite
Me: i should do a live update
Me: hahahahaha
Me: i’ll use this convo
Friend: yea
Friend: as ur notes
Me: yup
Me: or maybe i’ll just post the convo, taking out irrelevant stuff and our sn’s

[Top Chef house is revealed to the contestants and to the audience. It’s awesome.]
Me: swanky
Me: i should cozy up to gladware too
Friend: lol
Friend: where the fuck are they
Friend: i think its queens
Friend: where else is there a track?

[The two gay guys and the lesbian girl cozy up on some chairs on the balcony. They call themselves “Team Rainbow”]
Me: wow
Me: team rainbow
Me: nice hahaha
Me: there’s a rainbow t-shirt online
Me: that says “i’m a quitter!”
Me: and there’s a stupid looking, happy stick figure girl
Me: i want it

[Danny and Stefan, I believe, get into an argument about emulsions and vinaigrettes]
Me: he’s wrong [Stefan]
Me: vinaigrette IS an emulsion
Friend: dude hes gone

[Preview of the next segment of this episode of Top Chef shows. Jeff is running around like a chicken with his head cut off]
Me: what a spaz
Me: i hope this island dude goes far
Me: i wanna be a dishwasher, too
Me: she’s cool [Jamie]
Me: i like her

[Someone has to do Russian food for the challenge. He’s never done Russian food before.]
Me: do pelmeni, dude
Me: pelmeni sucks
Me: at least most pelmeni seems to suck
Me: do a tasty one

[Jeff talks smack about the Italian guy, Fabio. He basically says that Fabio doesn’t know shit about Latin food cuz Italy is on an entirely different continent.]
Me: uhm
Me: latin?
Me: another continent?
Me: spanish people are of latin descent too, you know

[Melissa, I believe, says she has no experience cooking Italian food]
Me: how could you not have experience cooking italian?
Me: italian food is like
Me: the first cuisine in America [to be elevated to haute cuisine status]

[Eugene says he’s never cooked Indian food before]
Me: dude, these guys seem pretty inexperienced
Me: never cooked italian
Me: never cooked indian

[Patrick talks about the Chinese dish he’s going to make]
Me: sounds boring
Me: i hate bok choy

[Carla complains about bones in her smoked trout]
Me: is she serious?
Me: she bought a whole smoked fish
Me: and she’s surprised there are bones in it?
Friend: yea
Friend: she will prob be gone
Me: COME ON
Me: don’t make me angry

[Jeff runs around like a chicken with his head cut off]
Me: he is Beshy
Friend: hellll yea
[Again, he just physically resembles Chef Besh. Otherwise, he’s trash]

[Ariane is having trouble cooking her farro all the way through]
Me: LID IT
Me: OMG
Me: PUT A LID ON IT
Me: it’s a grain
Me: water to grain ratio, 2:1
Me: put it on the heat, lid it, and let it steam to perfection
Me: quit futzin with it
Friend: what a dummy
Me: that was bad
Friend: no runnin in the kitchen [about Jeff again]

[Team rainbow shows on the screen. Meanwhile, Jean-Georges Vongerichten is revealed as a judge]
Me: team rainbow!
Me: holy crap
Friend: this bitch will be gone fast
Friend: within 2 weeks i say
Me: jean-georges vongerichten!
Me: he’s amazing
Me: which bitch?
Friend: black caterer
Me: the tall awkward one?
Friend: yea
Me: LOL

Me: big gay dude [Richard]
Me: he’s awesome
Me: oh, she’s cool too [Jamie]
Me: but i think he’ll win it
[Richard was facing Jamie in this challenge. His lamb was overcooked, so no one liked it.]
Me: aw damn. Overcooked lamb. That sucks
Me: nevermind

[the two chefs cooking Jamaican style present their dishes]
Me: neither dish was really “jamaican” to me
Me: just cuz you’re using jerk spices doesn’t make it Jamaican

[Tom comments about salting food, in criticism of a dish]
Me: oooh. Salt. that’s killer
Me: salt and pepper
Me: that’s killer
Me: salt is one of the most important things in the kitchen
Me: arguably the single most important thing

[Eugene ends up unknowingly making an amazing, classical, South Indian dish]
Me: eugene!
Me: mah boy!
Friend: he randomly made somethign real
Me: yeah

[Vong favors the European guy over Eugene]
Me: freaking euro connection [clearly, I’m very disappointed in the choice]
Friend: lady is gone [Ariane]
Me: i think so too
Me: but i dunno
Me: i think Patrick had a weaker dish
Friend: damn
Friend: they called her out [about the farro and about the dish in general]
Me: totally
Friend: that was like a TABOOO
Me: he’s playing the pity card [Patrick is arguing that he should be allowed to stay because he’s so young, fresh, and willing to compete for the experience]
Friend: hes stayin
Me: yeah
Friend: the producers love that shit
Me: i think he is too
Me: yeah
Me: she’s gone
Me: hell yeah

[Commercial]
[Tom gives his insights on Ariane’s and Patrick’s dishes]
Me: oooh
Me: the way he’s saying it
Me: makes it sounds like Patrick is gonna get eliminated
Me: no inspiration
Friend: damn
Me: wow
Me: so i don’t remember
Me: did i call that?
Me: i said a lot of shit earlier lol
Me: i don’t remember
Friend: u said a woman
Me: yeah
Me: but that was before i realized there was a culinary student here
Friend: culinary school dude is gonna get eliminated
Friend: yea
Me: yeah
Friend: but u didnt specify it was for THIS ep
Friend: lol
Friend: but ill allow it
Friend: not like i knew
Me: hahahahahaha
Friend: i was sure theyd keep him
Me: yeah
Me: i know
Me: aww
Me: she’s crying
Friend: shes gone
Me: i’m definitely gonna go eat at her restaurant
Friend: shes on my list

That’s it. Sorry again for the disjointed feel of the text. I’ll try to include time stamps if I choose to do this again, too.

Also, if I can manage, I will eat at Ariane’s restaurant, CulinAriane tomorrow.  I live 15 minutes away.  If I can get a seat and grab a plate or three, I’ll let you know how it was.  I’ll grab my camera, too.

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